Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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