I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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