Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
