On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
