i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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