so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
