When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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