just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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