Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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