u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
