If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i think i just lost a toe
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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