And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
