I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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