Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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