Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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