She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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