hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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