Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
