I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
