I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
