god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize