Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
