You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
