She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
