two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
