Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
