Everything about him screamed your future.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i came on her dog
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize