I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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