Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
