I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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