Old men and throwing up are my life now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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