My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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