Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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