I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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