Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
