May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
