i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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