i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
