theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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