I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
