when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize