aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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