smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
