I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
