I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Sober January is a disaster.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
