Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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