in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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