btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
