dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
