It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
