Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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