Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
