After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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