Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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