Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
