He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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