We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
