i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
