tell your sister to shave her snatch
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
