Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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