Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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